Muma

OK, it's been a while. Muma died. So much suffering. I still cannot put it into words, or thoughts that can do her justice. Knowing someone has a chronic, life limiting disease is one thing.....the final scene of that life though, was unexpected, undesired, less than what I wanted for her. And, yes, less than what I wanted for me too. You would think, that if you knew the end were coming, and it took a long while for us to figure it out, there could be conversations, wishes expressed, final needs and wants met. But in reality, it all becomes convoluted and mixed up with all the hustle and bustle going on around you. The doctors, nurses, and other health care staff. The friends, family and co-workers that help you get by---there seems to be no time to really sit and contemplate what is going on. She is either too sick, in too much pain, and can't be fully engaged in the conversation, or, when she is feeling better, you dread bringing it up because it causes negative thoughts. I love my mom. More than anything besides my children....anything. I can bear her loss only because I know that she would probably have suffered more if she had lived. What I cannot seem to come to grips with, is the feeling that I should have, could have, done more. More what, I can only see in hindsight. More time, although I was giving all I had. More care, although I loved beyond measure. More explaining, although I explained until I was a frustrated, caught in between a rock and a hard place, heartache filled daughter. I am not perfect, not even close. If I had to do it over again, I'd still make some mistakes, some assumptions that would not be correct. I wish though, that I would have been able to tell her, that death should not be feared--and maybe she didn't fear death--maybe it was the journey from this life to the next that terrified her, that she thought was full of pain and hardship. I should have seen that and been able to tell her that her pain could be eased, that comfort could be given. I miss her everyday. I think about her continually. She is in all that I do, all that I think, all that I am. So many things we will have to get through without her, somehow. My own life was so intertwined with hers, that I am finding it impossible to unravel all the bits of it. Some of it will just stay tied together, tangled up in a ball of knots. She meant more to me, than she probably knew. ---but perhaps, even though I know she loved me, adored me, was proud of me, depended on me, trusted me....maybe I didn't realize the depth of her feelings. Somehow, our souls were joined. I could tell, without her saying, how she felt, what she needed, how she hurt. I could just 'feel' it. I don't know if it was in my heart or soul or mind. But the sensation was there....like a fine silver web that ran between us. Sometimes I think I cannot stand another minute without being able to talk to her. But I do, and I will. And I will remember that God has a plan, and that she is not suffering, or in pain, and she can breathe once again. <3 you always.