I don't like change. As in change in traditions, change in how things always are....growing up change, growing old change, growing apart change. I know, no one else is really excited by it either....
Lately though, the things that we "always" do are falling by the wayside, and my kids are growing up, and my friends are growing old, and my parents friends....well, they are dying.
It feels like losing bits and pieces of my own childhood again....not because they really knew me but because, they knew me when And that is something, that once lost, cannot be replaced. That is what change feels like to me....Loss.
Little deaths that I am not ready for...I don't feel healed enough yet. I don't Want To. Imagine that in a childish whine....
So, I find myself avoiding, and sleeping, and not doing the things I should, or really want to do for those other people. Lacking drive, ambition, energy. Arguing, watching lots of TV on the computer, and just Not Doing Anything.
Which then leads to more and more lethargy....Sucks, this viscious cycle.
So, baby steps again, and again.
Start again.
I'll give it a try.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear!
Fall....got here so fast it seems. One day it was hot summer days and green grass, garden full of veggies, and then it got cold and things just started to die. But I love Fall...more than Spring. Somehow that seems wrong for me...I don't do endings well, so I should be really really sad. But change is coming, it's like 'spring cleaning' in winter. Our fridge broke down, so that had to be cleaned out and a new one brought in....fortunate really, to get rid of lots of old hot sauce bottles, and that green thing that was living in the back, behind the tub of "I don't remember what."
So, some new beginnings. The boys are in school, but it is a project based home program....not as much 'learning activity' spent with it as I would like, but I will give it some time. They Love the fact that they got new computers to use. Mac's....I've never had the pleasure...it only took a day, and they were all good with them. :) Ah, the flexibility of young minds.
And me...I'm trying to clarify my dreams...or Bucket List, if you will. I'm going to see the big beautiful Atlantic Ocean in a few days, and Fly On A Plane. Kind of scary, but the draw of the Ocean viewing is stronger than my fear. Really, what is the worst that could happen? The plane crashes...well, then it crashes. (yikes)
And I'm throwing things away. That is good.
And I'm not so so so concerned with what everyone else thinks I ought to be doing, or sharing, or taking care of for them. That has a little Guilt and a lot of Freeing feelings. But, I am Not responsible for how my husband feels, or the experiences he has, he is a grown man, and should be treated as one, not as another one of my children, for me to 'do' for and 'think' for all the time.
I still long for Muma. Sometimes I can feel her thoughts, her feelings. I am so lucky to have been able to really talk to her, and know her. Not totally, but well, and better than everyone except for her sister. She still didn't say some things to me that she felt comfortable saying to her. That Mom Protectionism at work. Things don't happen the way we like them, and guilt and regret still rear their ugly heads...but it is energy draining to dwell on those things for long, and it doesn't change them, or make the future any better if I berate myself for things I (imagine) should have done (in my hindsight mind....all is clear).
On and on and on we must go, and do the best we can, and sometimes all we can do it try .....so I am trying.
So, some new beginnings. The boys are in school, but it is a project based home program....not as much 'learning activity' spent with it as I would like, but I will give it some time. They Love the fact that they got new computers to use. Mac's....I've never had the pleasure...it only took a day, and they were all good with them. :) Ah, the flexibility of young minds.
And me...I'm trying to clarify my dreams...or Bucket List, if you will. I'm going to see the big beautiful Atlantic Ocean in a few days, and Fly On A Plane. Kind of scary, but the draw of the Ocean viewing is stronger than my fear. Really, what is the worst that could happen? The plane crashes...well, then it crashes. (yikes)
And I'm throwing things away. That is good.
And I'm not so so so concerned with what everyone else thinks I ought to be doing, or sharing, or taking care of for them. That has a little Guilt and a lot of Freeing feelings. But, I am Not responsible for how my husband feels, or the experiences he has, he is a grown man, and should be treated as one, not as another one of my children, for me to 'do' for and 'think' for all the time.
I still long for Muma. Sometimes I can feel her thoughts, her feelings. I am so lucky to have been able to really talk to her, and know her. Not totally, but well, and better than everyone except for her sister. She still didn't say some things to me that she felt comfortable saying to her. That Mom Protectionism at work. Things don't happen the way we like them, and guilt and regret still rear their ugly heads...but it is energy draining to dwell on those things for long, and it doesn't change them, or make the future any better if I berate myself for things I (imagine) should have done (in my hindsight mind....all is clear).
On and on and on we must go, and do the best we can, and sometimes all we can do it try .....so I am trying.
Friday, May 21, 2010
...sometimes things just click into place
Somehow there are pieces of me scattered all over....and I seem to be finding them. Most times, I wasn't even aware that they were recoverable...or that I'd actually 'lost' them. But there they are...in songs I hear, in words that I use, but then all of a sudden, they have a bigger and broader meaning...a meaning that makes me think....Now I understand, Now I get it. Not that I didn't really get it before, but I guess I didn't really take it 'into' me. Maybe you know, maybe you don't.... The good thing is though, that I know, that it makes sense to Me. Finally. :)
I want to go home. Yes, I've said this my whole life it seems...and I've done it. Went home..but not really. I don't think I ever left home. My home was my mom. Her presence, her love, her need of me. I grew up, got married, had kids, and still never made my own home. Because I had her. Her love, her need, her eversweet and beautiful presence. And now I don't. And her home is occupied, and I can't find mine.
What I can do though, is make my own, even though I'm forced to do it. To leave the physical place where I lived and grew, and face my own place, where I need to live and grow, and make sure I make it the best place I can. Where I can feel the love still, feel the need of me, and have my own needs met. If that is with my husband and children, then that is where I need--want to be. If that is not, then I need to find my place, my home, in this big old world. Hmmm, so much to consider. ;)
Maybe part of that is here, and part of that is out there....waiting for me to discover it. I just need to start, and build, and make it the best place I ever loved.
I want to go home. Yes, I've said this my whole life it seems...and I've done it. Went home..but not really. I don't think I ever left home. My home was my mom. Her presence, her love, her need of me. I grew up, got married, had kids, and still never made my own home. Because I had her. Her love, her need, her eversweet and beautiful presence. And now I don't. And her home is occupied, and I can't find mine.
What I can do though, is make my own, even though I'm forced to do it. To leave the physical place where I lived and grew, and face my own place, where I need to live and grow, and make sure I make it the best place I can. Where I can feel the love still, feel the need of me, and have my own needs met. If that is with my husband and children, then that is where I need--want to be. If that is not, then I need to find my place, my home, in this big old world. Hmmm, so much to consider. ;)
Maybe part of that is here, and part of that is out there....waiting for me to discover it. I just need to start, and build, and make it the best place I ever loved.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Learning
I'm on a learning curve, highway, river....whatever it is, it or I'm moving and all kinds of new thoughts, ideas, ways of thinking and perspectives keep emerging. It is exciting and scary at the same time. I want the newness and the adventure of it, but it is difficult to shrug off an old coat that I was so comfy in.
I want to see inside me, clearly, without prejudice. But in order to do that, I need an objective perspective from someone else. Thank goodness for therapy.
I wonder really where we will be year from now. Life is so uncertain. I've begun going to the gym, kind of regularly. A trainer once a week that works me into a sweaty mess. But it's good. I'm learning to eat better, and to eat small meals more frequently. It seems to work, my clothes are a little looser, I just need to keep it up.
I guess that is what I'm getting at. It's my turn, my time, for me. I need to make commitments to myself, and keep them. Probably a schedule would be good, so I can 'see' it. Much better than the abstract of just thinking about it.
Maybe a year from now I'll be more fit, more self confident, less worried about how my kids aren't where I think they should be....maybe they'll have grown a little more responsible. I want to have traveled someplace, to the ocean, to another country, or to another state. Just to shake things up. I want to go back to school for my Bachelor's, I want to volunteer more, give more, love more. And....I want to write more. It seems to keep some thoughts in order, especially when there is no one I want to bother with them. We'll see. I'll keep and open mind, and an open heart, and try to just live, be brave, and live.
I want to see inside me, clearly, without prejudice. But in order to do that, I need an objective perspective from someone else. Thank goodness for therapy.
I wonder really where we will be year from now. Life is so uncertain. I've begun going to the gym, kind of regularly. A trainer once a week that works me into a sweaty mess. But it's good. I'm learning to eat better, and to eat small meals more frequently. It seems to work, my clothes are a little looser, I just need to keep it up.
I guess that is what I'm getting at. It's my turn, my time, for me. I need to make commitments to myself, and keep them. Probably a schedule would be good, so I can 'see' it. Much better than the abstract of just thinking about it.
Maybe a year from now I'll be more fit, more self confident, less worried about how my kids aren't where I think they should be....maybe they'll have grown a little more responsible. I want to have traveled someplace, to the ocean, to another country, or to another state. Just to shake things up. I want to go back to school for my Bachelor's, I want to volunteer more, give more, love more. And....I want to write more. It seems to keep some thoughts in order, especially when there is no one I want to bother with them. We'll see. I'll keep and open mind, and an open heart, and try to just live, be brave, and live.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Love....to me is...
Love
What is that….what does it mean…..how does it feel…..does it have a beginning and an ending, or is it just there?
I love my mom. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my boot slippers with the fringe. I love our cabin. I love the first boy I ever kissed. I love raspberries. I love the sour cherries that ripen on the trees. These things all pull at me, they bring me flashes and smells and sounds of something that is or was bigger and better than me.
Is love the same with everything…is everything I love on an even basis? Of course not. I would be sad if I couldn’t have raspberries…but that would be nothing compared to the sadness I would feel at the death of my mom. But the basic heartwarming, easy breathing, happy laughter of love is there at each of these things. They are comfortable, they fit with me, they make me feel good. I appreciate them. And I love them whether I get anything back from them or not….I think. Just in loving though, I am repaid. Because I have them, I receive from them….all to varying degrees. They open me. They allow me to be vulnerable because I want them and need them. I can acknowledge my feelings for them, and take the risk that I don’t get the same things back in the same degree. But it is ok. For a love so great, a risk worth taking, because in taking the risk and allowing myself to be splayed open, I can love more.
Is the thing that mars love, my own reaction to my expectations of a return on that love? It is not the thing, because that will remain basically the same. Oh raspberries are sweeter sometimes than others, boots more comfy when my feet are cold, and people, those ever changing, rearranging people….have more time, have more patience, have more peace sometimes than at other times. But I will still love raspberries, even when they aren’t the best, and still love to see my slippers waiting for me at the foot of my bed, and will still love to see the people that make my heart smile, whether I’ve seen them last week, last year, or 20 years ago. They, themselves don’t make the love inside me change, because they are caught in a freeze frame in my heart. It is only my expectation of something from them, that will turn my emotions. So, loving what is, the way it is, without adding in my own emotional baggage, makes the feelings more pure and innocent. More heartwarming and true. More real and fulfilling for me.
Love is a memory, a feeling, a physical sensation. A pouring out of one’s heart, and a drinking in of another’s soul. Love is a match between atoms. An ancestral remembering, a scent that fills my eyes with scenes of deliciousness. A pounding of blood that is felt in my heart, beating faster, stronger and more magnificently than before. It is a pull in the pit of my stomach, a flutter in my veins. A life giving oxygen that spreads as completely as lava down the mountain. It is a wonderful, uplifting, heartrending, allowable, sensation.
The people and things we love, we need to hang onto them. The ones we don’t, we just need to let go.
So, love is the warmth that dwells and spreads inside me when I see a special friend,
it is a peace that settles over me, when the day is at an end.
It is the pleasant taste of cherries picked freshly from the tree,
it’s the love I have inside myself, the love I have for me.
What is that….what does it mean…..how does it feel…..does it have a beginning and an ending, or is it just there?
I love my mom. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my boot slippers with the fringe. I love our cabin. I love the first boy I ever kissed. I love raspberries. I love the sour cherries that ripen on the trees. These things all pull at me, they bring me flashes and smells and sounds of something that is or was bigger and better than me.
Is love the same with everything…is everything I love on an even basis? Of course not. I would be sad if I couldn’t have raspberries…but that would be nothing compared to the sadness I would feel at the death of my mom. But the basic heartwarming, easy breathing, happy laughter of love is there at each of these things. They are comfortable, they fit with me, they make me feel good. I appreciate them. And I love them whether I get anything back from them or not….I think. Just in loving though, I am repaid. Because I have them, I receive from them….all to varying degrees. They open me. They allow me to be vulnerable because I want them and need them. I can acknowledge my feelings for them, and take the risk that I don’t get the same things back in the same degree. But it is ok. For a love so great, a risk worth taking, because in taking the risk and allowing myself to be splayed open, I can love more.
Is the thing that mars love, my own reaction to my expectations of a return on that love? It is not the thing, because that will remain basically the same. Oh raspberries are sweeter sometimes than others, boots more comfy when my feet are cold, and people, those ever changing, rearranging people….have more time, have more patience, have more peace sometimes than at other times. But I will still love raspberries, even when they aren’t the best, and still love to see my slippers waiting for me at the foot of my bed, and will still love to see the people that make my heart smile, whether I’ve seen them last week, last year, or 20 years ago. They, themselves don’t make the love inside me change, because they are caught in a freeze frame in my heart. It is only my expectation of something from them, that will turn my emotions. So, loving what is, the way it is, without adding in my own emotional baggage, makes the feelings more pure and innocent. More heartwarming and true. More real and fulfilling for me.
Love is a memory, a feeling, a physical sensation. A pouring out of one’s heart, and a drinking in of another’s soul. Love is a match between atoms. An ancestral remembering, a scent that fills my eyes with scenes of deliciousness. A pounding of blood that is felt in my heart, beating faster, stronger and more magnificently than before. It is a pull in the pit of my stomach, a flutter in my veins. A life giving oxygen that spreads as completely as lava down the mountain. It is a wonderful, uplifting, heartrending, allowable, sensation.
The people and things we love, we need to hang onto them. The ones we don’t, we just need to let go.
So, love is the warmth that dwells and spreads inside me when I see a special friend,
it is a peace that settles over me, when the day is at an end.
It is the pleasant taste of cherries picked freshly from the tree,
it’s the love I have inside myself, the love I have for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)