Thinking things.....

Things that make you think....
Like an abrubt change in behavior
like saying I love you, when you haven't .... for Years
Why do you suppose that happens?

Like finding that some friends just feel like an extension of your soul, maybe a better part of your self.

Like wondering why your children really don't seem to want to learn, or even when they are curious about something, the minute you mention it, they shut down.

Like when you open up your heart to new adventures, Newness and Opportunities just keep coming.... and it's wonderful.

Like wanting to make things better, where you work, where you live, in your life, in others lives, and beginning to be able to verbalize it.... it's pretty amazing.

and like being thankful for the people you have had in your life, even if they are no longer physically with you, but you can feel their spirit, their souls, touching yours.
I love that.

Well, that's over with....

Two years....I think it took almost 2 years, and here I am, Feeling Again, crying for, with my patients family. Maybe it isn't me, maybe it was the family.... But I didn't want her to die...even though her chances are oh so slim for survival, and if she does survive, then there is the Cancer to deal with....

But, Oh, those tear you up inside feelings.... Really haven't missed them, missed them, but I suppose it's good to know that I can still feel them, and that I am not Totally Disengaged from my work.

It's a numb, scary feeling.... thinking that somehow you will never be totally involved again, that you can always stand back and watch, and just Do The Job.

Wow.
Will probably have to examine that a bit. . .

Dissociation

I can feel it. Maybe I shouldn't feel it, they say you don't feel it, you can't tell when you are dissociating. But I can.
Or maybe that isn't what it is. Maybe I just Don't Care.
That isn't very theraputic now is it.
How can I be good at what I do, if I'm not really there. Present. In the moment.

How can I be a good parent, a good friend, a good nurse?

Why is it so easy to just remove myself and not feel?
Feeling is too too complicated, and requires too much input, too much concentration, too much energy.

I need to do something different, or I will totally become a robot. No feelings, no empathy, no heart.
Judging and placing my own ideals upon someone else, being prejudiced and unfeeling about their situation.

That is not my place.
And I don't want to live there.
I must wake up, and do something different.