Change, change, change, change........

I don't like change. As in change in traditions, change in how things always are....growing up change, growing old change, growing apart change. I know, no one else is really excited by it either....
Lately though, the things that we "always" do are falling by the wayside, and my kids are growing up, and my friends are growing old, and my parents friends....well, they are dying.
It feels like losing bits and pieces of my own childhood again....not because they really knew me but because, they knew me when And that is something, that once lost, cannot be replaced. That is what change feels like to me....Loss.
Little deaths that I am not ready for...I don't feel healed enough yet. I don't Want To. Imagine that in a childish whine....

So, I find myself avoiding, and sleeping, and not doing the things I should, or really want to do for those other people. Lacking drive, ambition, energy. Arguing, watching lots of TV on the computer, and just Not Doing Anything.
Which then leads to more and more lethargy....Sucks, this viscious cycle.

So, baby steps again, and again.
Start again.
I'll give it a try.

I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear!

Fall....got here so fast it seems. One day it was hot summer days and green grass, garden full of veggies, and then it got cold and things just started to die. But I love Fall...more than Spring. Somehow that seems wrong for me...I don't do endings well, so I should be really really sad. But change is coming, it's like 'spring cleaning' in winter. Our fridge broke down, so that had to be cleaned out and a new one brought in....fortunate really, to get rid of lots of old hot sauce bottles, and that green thing that was living in the back, behind the tub of "I don't remember what."

So, some new beginnings. The boys are in school, but it is a project based home program....not as much 'learning activity' spent with it as I would like, but I will give it some time. They Love the fact that they got new computers to use. Mac's....I've never had the pleasure...it only took a day, and they were all good with them. :) Ah, the flexibility of young minds.

And me...I'm trying to clarify my dreams...or Bucket List, if you will. I'm going to see the big beautiful Atlantic Ocean in a few days, and Fly On A Plane. Kind of scary, but the draw of the Ocean viewing is stronger than my fear. Really, what is the worst that could happen? The plane crashes...well, then it crashes. (yikes)

And I'm throwing things away. That is good.

And I'm not so so so concerned with what everyone else thinks I ought to be doing, or sharing, or taking care of for them. That has a little Guilt and a lot of Freeing feelings. But, I am Not responsible for how my husband feels, or the experiences he has, he is a grown man, and should be treated as one, not as another one of my children, for me to 'do' for and 'think' for all the time.

I still long for Muma. Sometimes I can feel her thoughts, her feelings. I am so lucky to have been able to really talk to her, and know her. Not totally, but well, and better than everyone except for her sister. She still didn't say some things to me that she felt comfortable saying to her. That Mom Protectionism at work. Things don't happen the way we like them, and guilt and regret still rear their ugly heads...but it is energy draining to dwell on those things for long, and it doesn't change them, or make the future any better if I berate myself for things I (imagine) should have done (in my hindsight mind....all is clear).

On and on and on we must go, and do the best we can, and sometimes all we can do it try .....so I am trying.