Thinking things.....

Things that make you think....
Like an abrubt change in behavior
like saying I love you, when you haven't .... for Years
Why do you suppose that happens?

Like finding that some friends just feel like an extension of your soul, maybe a better part of your self.

Like wondering why your children really don't seem to want to learn, or even when they are curious about something, the minute you mention it, they shut down.

Like when you open up your heart to new adventures, Newness and Opportunities just keep coming.... and it's wonderful.

Like wanting to make things better, where you work, where you live, in your life, in others lives, and beginning to be able to verbalize it.... it's pretty amazing.

and like being thankful for the people you have had in your life, even if they are no longer physically with you, but you can feel their spirit, their souls, touching yours.
I love that.

Well, that's over with....

Two years....I think it took almost 2 years, and here I am, Feeling Again, crying for, with my patients family. Maybe it isn't me, maybe it was the family.... But I didn't want her to die...even though her chances are oh so slim for survival, and if she does survive, then there is the Cancer to deal with....

But, Oh, those tear you up inside feelings.... Really haven't missed them, missed them, but I suppose it's good to know that I can still feel them, and that I am not Totally Disengaged from my work.

It's a numb, scary feeling.... thinking that somehow you will never be totally involved again, that you can always stand back and watch, and just Do The Job.

Wow.
Will probably have to examine that a bit. . .

Dissociation

I can feel it. Maybe I shouldn't feel it, they say you don't feel it, you can't tell when you are dissociating. But I can.
Or maybe that isn't what it is. Maybe I just Don't Care.
That isn't very theraputic now is it.
How can I be good at what I do, if I'm not really there. Present. In the moment.

How can I be a good parent, a good friend, a good nurse?

Why is it so easy to just remove myself and not feel?
Feeling is too too complicated, and requires too much input, too much concentration, too much energy.

I need to do something different, or I will totally become a robot. No feelings, no empathy, no heart.
Judging and placing my own ideals upon someone else, being prejudiced and unfeeling about their situation.

That is not my place.
And I don't want to live there.
I must wake up, and do something different.

Change, change, change, change........

I don't like change. As in change in traditions, change in how things always are....growing up change, growing old change, growing apart change. I know, no one else is really excited by it either....
Lately though, the things that we "always" do are falling by the wayside, and my kids are growing up, and my friends are growing old, and my parents friends....well, they are dying.
It feels like losing bits and pieces of my own childhood again....not because they really knew me but because, they knew me when And that is something, that once lost, cannot be replaced. That is what change feels like to me....Loss.
Little deaths that I am not ready for...I don't feel healed enough yet. I don't Want To. Imagine that in a childish whine....

So, I find myself avoiding, and sleeping, and not doing the things I should, or really want to do for those other people. Lacking drive, ambition, energy. Arguing, watching lots of TV on the computer, and just Not Doing Anything.
Which then leads to more and more lethargy....Sucks, this viscious cycle.

So, baby steps again, and again.
Start again.
I'll give it a try.

I'm clear, you're clear, we're all clear!

Fall....got here so fast it seems. One day it was hot summer days and green grass, garden full of veggies, and then it got cold and things just started to die. But I love Fall...more than Spring. Somehow that seems wrong for me...I don't do endings well, so I should be really really sad. But change is coming, it's like 'spring cleaning' in winter. Our fridge broke down, so that had to be cleaned out and a new one brought in....fortunate really, to get rid of lots of old hot sauce bottles, and that green thing that was living in the back, behind the tub of "I don't remember what."

So, some new beginnings. The boys are in school, but it is a project based home program....not as much 'learning activity' spent with it as I would like, but I will give it some time. They Love the fact that they got new computers to use. Mac's....I've never had the pleasure...it only took a day, and they were all good with them. :) Ah, the flexibility of young minds.

And me...I'm trying to clarify my dreams...or Bucket List, if you will. I'm going to see the big beautiful Atlantic Ocean in a few days, and Fly On A Plane. Kind of scary, but the draw of the Ocean viewing is stronger than my fear. Really, what is the worst that could happen? The plane crashes...well, then it crashes. (yikes)

And I'm throwing things away. That is good.

And I'm not so so so concerned with what everyone else thinks I ought to be doing, or sharing, or taking care of for them. That has a little Guilt and a lot of Freeing feelings. But, I am Not responsible for how my husband feels, or the experiences he has, he is a grown man, and should be treated as one, not as another one of my children, for me to 'do' for and 'think' for all the time.

I still long for Muma. Sometimes I can feel her thoughts, her feelings. I am so lucky to have been able to really talk to her, and know her. Not totally, but well, and better than everyone except for her sister. She still didn't say some things to me that she felt comfortable saying to her. That Mom Protectionism at work. Things don't happen the way we like them, and guilt and regret still rear their ugly heads...but it is energy draining to dwell on those things for long, and it doesn't change them, or make the future any better if I berate myself for things I (imagine) should have done (in my hindsight mind....all is clear).

On and on and on we must go, and do the best we can, and sometimes all we can do it try .....so I am trying.

...sometimes things just click into place

Somehow there are pieces of me scattered all over....and I seem to be finding them. Most times, I wasn't even aware that they were recoverable...or that I'd actually 'lost' them. But there they are...in songs I hear, in words that I use, but then all of a sudden, they have a bigger and broader meaning...a meaning that makes me think....Now I understand, Now I get it. Not that I didn't really get it before, but I guess I didn't really take it 'into' me. Maybe you know, maybe you don't.... The good thing is though, that I know, that it makes sense to Me. Finally. :)
I want to go home. Yes, I've said this my whole life it seems...and I've done it. Went home..but not really. I don't think I ever left home. My home was my mom. Her presence, her love, her need of me. I grew up, got married, had kids, and still never made my own home. Because I had her. Her love, her need, her eversweet and beautiful presence. And now I don't. And her home is occupied, and I can't find mine.
What I can do though, is make my own, even though I'm forced to do it. To leave the physical place where I lived and grew, and face my own place, where I need to live and grow, and make sure I make it the best place I can. Where I can feel the love still, feel the need of me, and have my own needs met. If that is with my husband and children, then that is where I need--want to be. If that is not, then I need to find my place, my home, in this big old world. Hmmm, so much to consider. ;)
Maybe part of that is here, and part of that is out there....waiting for me to discover it. I just need to start, and build, and make it the best place I ever loved.

Learning

I'm on a learning curve, highway, river....whatever it is, it or I'm moving and all kinds of new thoughts, ideas, ways of thinking and perspectives keep emerging. It is exciting and scary at the same time. I want the newness and the adventure of it, but it is difficult to shrug off an old coat that I was so comfy in.
I want to see inside me, clearly, without prejudice. But in order to do that, I need an objective perspective from someone else. Thank goodness for therapy.
I wonder really where we will be year from now. Life is so uncertain. I've begun going to the gym, kind of regularly. A trainer once a week that works me into a sweaty mess. But it's good. I'm learning to eat better, and to eat small meals more frequently. It seems to work, my clothes are a little looser, I just need to keep it up.
I guess that is what I'm getting at. It's my turn, my time, for me. I need to make commitments to myself, and keep them. Probably a schedule would be good, so I can 'see' it. Much better than the abstract of just thinking about it.
Maybe a year from now I'll be more fit, more self confident, less worried about how my kids aren't where I think they should be....maybe they'll have grown a little more responsible. I want to have traveled someplace, to the ocean, to another country, or to another state. Just to shake things up. I want to go back to school for my Bachelor's, I want to volunteer more, give more, love more. And....I want to write more. It seems to keep some thoughts in order, especially when there is no one I want to bother with them. We'll see. I'll keep and open mind, and an open heart, and try to just live, be brave, and live.